The Whirlwind...

That is my life right now. Every morning I wake up in a panic thinking of the things I need to do and trying to go back to sleep to escape them. I'm in New York right now and I typically only last a few days in this place before my mind, body and spirit goes to shit. It's not necessarily the place itself, it's the crowd I hang with. My best friend to be exact. SOOOO much fun. One of the most fun people on earth. But boy, is it HARD to keep up with him. ESPECIALLY during fashion week. He's a photographer and gets onto the list for all the cool parties. Last night, for example, I FELT cool. I felt SO COOL! He got us on the list for a private party where MGMT played. It's the kind of party where everyone stands around looking at everyone else because everyone looks so cool. That's the fashion world.
Back to MGMT. I LOVE MGMT! They are one of my favorite bands right now. The last few weeks I was in LA I listened to them a lot, especially while packing or getting rid of things. They made me feel so inspired to just get up and go. To just leave it all behind for a life more lived.
Since it was a private party it was very intimate. Maybe only a couple hundred people, very beautiful people. We were in the front row and there weren't any raging teens pushing elbows into our backs. It was so nice. AND there was free Belvedere vodka. I texted Jared to tell him that I felt like I had made it. He texted me back and said, "You have. And you will."
I love it when he says things like that.
So back to my morning panic attacks. They are happening because I'm about to leave for the ACTUAL bike tour. Everyone else has already left. Except for Kipchoge and I. Kipchoge is flying in from mexico tonight HOPEFULLY with the love of his life, Eco whom he flew down to Mexico to retrieve and live happily ever after with. None of us know if he has succeeded yet because he won't tell us how it's going. We're hoping for the best.
There are a couple of reasons why I haven't left yet. One is that I am TOTALLY dragging my heels like a little diva bitch. I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess I've really walked too far down that comfortable path. Soon I won't have a choice. Soon I will be totally knocked off my little comfy trail of "wanna-be-rockstar blvd" and dragged through the road puddles of dirt and grease and I think this is scaring me. So I'm hanging onto every last minute of my "wanna-be-rockstar" life. My best friend's beautiful, huge, comfortable brooklyn loft, the nice dinners out, my hair dryer... wow. LIsten to me. These are things I never used to care about. It makes me wonder at which point I became a dumb ass.
Thankfully there is ONE legitimate reason that I am still here in my best friend's beautiful, huge, comfortable loft. I'm waiting for a keyboard case that one of our sponsors (TKL) is sending me. I really don't want to leave without my keyboard. I've been coming up with some pretty cool things and I feel like it's definitely where my music is heading. But then I sing a song like "Own Way" and Jared tells me THAT is my voice. So pretty much these days I am confused about where my music is going. There are so many different types of music that I love, and so many different types of music I want to perform. Shit. There's so many different types of careers I want to have! This world is sometimes just too much for me to handle. How can I choose one job? One genre? One guy (just kidding - I actually would LOVE to choose just one guy. Hey! Are you out there anywhere?) But as far as everything else goes - I love so many things and just don't see how I can narrow it down to just one ANYTHING (except a guy -I do want just one guy who also can't narrow it down to just one thing except a girl - me :)
So that's where I'm at with music right now. So confused. Worried about being marketable. But maybe I shouldn't worry about that at all. The record industry is dying a slow and painful death. Do I even need to be marketable anymore? Or can I just express the truth that comes through me musically. To LIVE like that, that would be happiness, right? Not worrying about whether or not your expression - whatever it may be - is accepted. If I'm feeling blue I sing the blues. If I'm feeling high I write a happy electronic song. Does it really have to be JUST ONE?